To the Moon and Back

i first heard this song back when i was in grade 6 or 1st yr hs ata. wow, that's like, 8? 9? years ago? anyway, i've always thought of this as MY song. it was as if the writer (probably darren hayes) wrote this with me in his mind. as if! now i'm singing it again... when will the right kind of pilot come? i don't know. but i'm not ready to meet him. not yet...

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She's sayin

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

Message (mis)Sent

i am a very complicated person, and i admit that. in my complexity, there are times that even i cannot comprehend myself. more often than not, what you see of me isn't really what you get. i am mystery and art combined. a fusion of fact and fiction, of imagery and magnanimity. i could be lost in the middle of a crowd and yet very much found in my solitude. i am lonely though not alone. i am running endlessly, fighting a bout which i could never win. i am hungry and starving for something that took off in the middle of the night. i am waiting, though in vain, holding on to something that wants to break free.

i am so often misunderstood, and so are my writings. i do not want to be "maldita", i do not seek to be "maldita", and i do not find glory in being "maldita". i do not intend to lash out at anybody through my writings just because this is a free country (or rather, a partly free country according to Austin Ranney, author of Governing: an introduction to Political Science). i could not be boxed in some typology, and i just learned that i could not box others as well. i have messages to convey, stories to tell, emotions to unfold. but those messages could not be conveyed if you refuse to read and see totality. i did not mean to demean and defame anybody in my "maldita" entry. i was conveying a message about forgiveness and love and JC to myself and to others who could relate. it was something "I" was going through. something "I" needed to change in "me", not in anybody else. perhaps i should have highlighted the 4th paragraph of my "maldita" entry for all to see the "essence" (as an unknown person puts it) of the post. but i's too late for that now. the message has already been missent.

P.S.
my apologies to all who had been involved in this mess (esp. to jp, suzanne, josh and dra). whatever issues i have, let them be my burden, not yours. my apologies to all who had been affected, angered, misrepresented, misquoted, violated, unleashed and shocked.

my gratitude to those who kept mum and encouraged me to keep mum, who so tried to understand, who read between the lines, who questioned and sought answers which i refused to give, who encouraged with words, and who prayed incessantly.

lastly, more gratitude to those who rejoiced in my misery, who pointed fingers, who belittled my little self and who failed to understand for you inspired me to write this.

Sad

Hmm... i really don't know what to say. I don't want to aggravate things.

it's just so sad how things rounded up this way. but i won't tone down the pain and say that these are the Lord's will, i know that they are not. they are consequences of our actions. kinda depressing, but well, what can i do? had i been who i was before, i would have word-fought back. let's just say that it's quite a blessing a good friend and adviser is here beside me leading me on what is right to do. now this is the Lord's will, unexpectedly finding him here in perfect timing. i'm not being passive, just considering it pure joy and celebrating life even through these things.

p.s. i said sorry. and i was...

Endless Love 4 Winter Sonata Part 2

18
Originally uploaded by Ket.

This is one of the results of our photo-op session at Ian's house. Cool no? Parang sa studio. The other photos are yet to be posted pa, just stay tuned.

Pictures were taken with my ever-reliable 3.5mm SLR cam, using Kodak ISO 400. I would like to thank Ian, Melvin and JS for posing for me; myself, for the set design; the broken blue umbrella which I used as reflector; Kuya Mac for the yellow green cloth and the tripod I "nenok"ed from his quasi-room; and the Baugbog family for the place, the yellow-lighted lanterns. And oh, yah... Melvin again for the whopping 18" Yellow Cab Manhattan Lovers' pizza which I am yet to pay...

Malditang Ket

It all started last Sunday while JS, Alfred and I (yes, i was an MH) were walking to SC. They accompanied me to pick up the the recopied graduation photos at Florofoto. Anyway, we were talking about "malditang diwata", and what gift would be appropriate for her, as Alfred was quite at a loss on his gift for her. JS eventually said, "Buti na lang samin ka nagtanong, perfect sa mga malditang tulad namin." and I was like, "no way! I'm not maldita". well, binawi ko rin later, and I said, "oo nga, maldita nga ako," while thinking of that primadonna girl I so love making "bara".

The kind of people I hate the most (or perhaps dislike, for hate is quite a strong term) are primadonnas. Those who are so pa-importante of themselves and so mahilig mag-inarte without having the "k" to do so. And _____ is one of those people. My eyebrow really rises to the highest level everytime na nagiinarte siya. Like hallerrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!! And, yes, this is bad but I admit it, I enjoy making "bara" her. I love seeing her op'd and po'd. I derive satisfaction in the way she looks longingly at ______, the guy she obviously so adores, while the guy pasimple distances himself from her.

Next in line are those who just cannot keep their mouths shut. The game "message relay" might be funny and amusing, especially when stories become so far out from the original story. But when it happens in real life, it just hurts and crumples different lives, and I had to suffer the consequences twice. I just find it hard to believe that the persons you trusted most are capable of "betraying" you. I know I'm at fault too, I admit that and I'm really sorry for that. But I didn't expect you (yes, I'm sure you know who you are), of all people, to share our secret with the person concerned within, what?, 3 hours! and very much out of context, too. I wasn't able to correct what you've done, it already had its domino effect, until the person I love the most had come to hate me for all the lies that had circulated. Great, just great...

I know that i should learn to love those who are hard to love. And really, I'm trying hard to do so. (JS, maniwala ka!) after all, didn't the Lord send His only Son for all of us because of His great love? If i seek to be like Jesus, then why can't I love the unlovable? But how can you forgive someone who ruined your dreams? How can you forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgiveness in the first place? And to top it all, how could I dare ask forgiveness when even I cannot forgive others?

I know... I'm trying, I really am...

Same Ground

I'm just hooked with Kitchie Nadal lately. Don't know why, probably because I could sing her songs without much effort since I have a naturally raspy singing voice. And probably because I could very much relate to her songs. Why is it that when we're sad and brokenhearted, we feel like every heartbreak song was written for us?

"my love, it's been a long time since i cried and left you out of the blue. Its hard leaving you that way when I never wanted to. self-denial is a game, it's strange i never would've wanted it until there was you. because i have learned that love is beyond what human can imagine, the more it clears the more i have to let you go. but now i don't understand why im feeling so bad now when i know it was my idea. i could've just denied the truth and lied. but why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground? my love because i have learned that love is a word that gets thrown a little bit too much. the best excuse to fill the infinite abyss. i never have to if all else fail. would you be there to love me? when all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me?"

Last Song Syndrome

I soooo love this song. It's just perfect for my emotional-heartbreaky-senti moments. This is exactly what I want to tell him. But I don't know if he would ever have the chance to hear this from me....

heniweys, i was a little shocked when i heard melvin singing this song. after all, i've always thought that nobody in upcym (well, except for leighton) could relate to my type of music. turns out, it was just a last song syndrome for him, having been to kitchie nadal's album launch the night before (friday). the malady infected me and now the lss is on me. i still love this song though...

"May gusto ka bang sabihin?
at hindi mapakali, ni hindi makatingin
sana'y wag mo na 'tong palipasin
at subukang lutasin, sa mga sinabi mo na........

[REFRAIN:]
Ibang nararapat sa akin, na tunay kong mamahalin

[CHORUS:]
oh oh oh oh wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama itong........ pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kht pa kalayaan mo

hindi ko man inaakala, na ako'y isang bituin na walang sasambahin
hindi ko man ito ipakita, abot langit ang daing, sa mga sinabi mo na

[REFRAIN:]
Ibang nararapat sa akin, na tunay kong mamahalin

[CHORUS:]
oh oh oh oh wag na wag mong sasabihin
sa hindi mo nadama itong.........pag-ibig kong hanang
ibigay kht pa kalayaan mo

[BRIDGE:]
At sa gabi, sinong duduyan sayo?
At sa umaga, ang hangin na hahaplos sayo

[CHORUS:]
oh oh oh oh wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama itong........ pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kht pa kalayaan mo"

love stuff

Friends, this is a repost from Luisa, a Polsci friend. I'm just amazed how she was able to capture the exact essence of my emotions. Guess I'm not alone after all. Actually, tears stung my eyes as I was reading this. It's so hard to move on. But well, I have the Lord with me. My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Ps 62:1-2)

"Giving up someone or something that you love is one of the most difficult tasks - talk about self sacrifice, getting rid of a bad habit, leaving your comfort zone, a vice, or moving on. Admittedly, it's very intricate to disengage yourself from something that you've already been used to. But sometimes, Life itself is just so perverse that it leaves you no room to back off & say no way that youre gonna deal with the changes. I've always believed that the only thing that you should never give up is the one you love. It may sound so cliche, so romantic and unreal but at some point, we know that it is true. You see, no matter how ruthless, unfeeling, pitiless a person can be, deep down inside is a heart that still beats. Your lover might be emotionally beating you up but sooner or later he'll realize it is wrong. Well, too bad for him if he'll realize that only when you've already learned to move on alone. What I'm trying to say is that, you just don't give up. Don't think about what youre gonna get, where youll gonna be, or how you're gonna pick up the pieces. Just give it all. No inhibitions. Give it your best shot. Be yourself & stop thinking about what other people might think of you. Just love & love in the truest sense of the word. Then you'll see that in the end, the relationship may still not work, but you'll come out triumphant. Why? Because you were brave enough to admit that once in your life you've fallen, that you weren't scared of rejection, that you were fearless enough to put your own interests at stake, that for once you let your defenses down and admit that you are hurting, that you took your chance on love and that you've made it known to the other how greatly he is loved. But what if love has left the heart of the beloved, will you still not give up on love? My answer is never. Always remember that it was the beloved who left you, not love. It was the beloved who gave up on you, not love. It was the beloved who didn't trust you, not love. As I've always deemed to be enormously true: love and get hurt, get hurt and learn, learn and love again. Just two days ago (4 and a half months for me), my Beloved left me. Why? Because he never trusted me. He said he loved me but he never trusted me enough, which leaves me thinking, isn't that when you love, you also trust? Hhhmm... He thinks I'm fooling around with another guy. The truth is, theres no other guy besides him. Never. I never cheated on him, not even once. But its too late now to let him know that. He has already lost sight of the hope of us being together again. He simply gave up. I actually saw it coming with all the fights that we've had, most of which were caused by uncalled-for & senseless jealousy & doubt. I honestly thought we'd surpass that stage but I was so wrong and now I'm totally convinced that he never really loved me in the first place (not applicable for me though) and that maybe, he was never mine to begin with. He was just a dream that I once knew and sadly, now I'm back to reality. For now I can only tell myself that I've deeply loved, got badly hurt, learned my lessons the hard way, and that sooner or later, I'll be loving again. Painful as it is, I still won't give up on love nor on him. I'd still love and care for him but only from afar. He wont hear me utter `I love you' anymore but I would constantly ask the wind to whisper it in his ears for me. It's really sad that someone whom you thought really cared about you just gave up on you that easily. But then again, he's the Beloved and I am just a lover, someone he can always find in another girl and I've come to accept that he is the one thing that I can never have. I prefer, then, not to impose on him nor force him to get back in the relationship. I will just have to let him go and let him find in freedom his own happiness. That's what I believe Love is - willingly able to let go without ever having to give up."

Sigh...

"Sometimes we too find we've strayed off course, and God has to shake us up to get us back on the right path. He'll often bring us into a season of brokenness, a time to re-focus and check that we are heading in the right direction."
-Matt Redman, "The Unquenchable Worshipper"

I cried so hard when I read this passage from his book. Who else knows brokenness in its essence better than me? I was (am) much more than just shook up. But it's nice to know that I can trust in the Lord's love and wisdom. He knows what's best for me.