************************
something i want to send to him, but i can't, some things i want to tell him, which i can't either...
************************
I like you. There, I've said it. But I want you to know that I like you not just because you're partly cool and partly hot and mostly sweet. Definitely not because you've got a nice Peugeot car, or you're a manager at age 26, or that you train in a gym at the Emirates Towers, the place where I can't blend in even in my super power dress.
I like you not just because you have an amazing pair of deep-set medium-brown eyes and wonderful nose, and great sense of humor. More because you make me feel special, because you make me feel needed, because you don't try to change who i am, how i look, what i do and what i don't do. I like you because you give in to my demands, because you call me every now and then just to check how I am, if I had eaten my meals already. I like you because you comfort me and encourage me when my boss is being a big a*****e. I like you because you're fun to be with. And that you understand that I change my mind easily, that I'm very moody when I'm having my pre-menstrual syndrome, that I hate being stared at but I love being the center of attention, and that I am irony and paradox rolled in small packaging.
I know you like me, you've told me so a dozen times, and I've only answered you with a smile. You see, I don't want you to like me just because you think I'm pretty or you can't resist my mocha skin, or I speak English much more fluently than the Filipinas in your office that you thought I wasn't a Filipina. Or because you like seeing the look of envy on other guys' eyes when we're seen together, or because you think I'm so innocent and fragile that I need you to protect me from this cruel cruel world, or that my smile refreshes you everytime. I want you to know that I'm more than just, ehem, pretty face and refreshing smile. I don't need you to protect me either. I'm not a damsel-in-distress, I'm an heiress of Xena!
I want you to like me because I can offer you one of the best intellectual intercourses you've ever had, unlike most girls you've met who skip the intellectual part. I want you to like me because I'm smart, and gutsy and simply amazing. Because I'm interested in politics and international relations, in digging the rift between Lebanon and Syria and India and Pakistan, and all the Middle Eastern conflicts we didn't discuss back in college. Because I look at Dubai as a big melting pot of cultures and that I'm interested in acquiring different languages.
I don't know if you could see that inner part of me. I don't know if you could see me for all I'm worth.
The thing is, I can't commit with you. I'm still on rebound, and I don't want you to be my rebound guy. And besides, I'm not sure if your idea of a relationship is the same as mine. I don't want to invest my emotions on something uncertain. I'm not ready to give away a part of myself again. So please stop thinking of joining me on my vacation to the Philippines when I go home next year, or making plans to acquire me in your company as your assistant so I could join you in your business trips all over the world. I'm not taking you seriously right now, but how can I stop investing any emotion on someone who calls me up every now and then, who exerts much effort to wake up at 6 am just to be able to give me a wake-up call, who travels for almost an hour just to bring me a bottle of water because it's so hot outside and you're worried about me being in outdoor sales?
I'm a Filipina, and I'm proud of it. But that doesn't mean I'm like other Filipinas who get blinded by your lavish and generous lifestyle. I don't want you to be my "sponsor" or to augment my meager salary or to help me pay off my debts. That's why I paid for my favorite Starbucks caramel macchiato and your favorite mocha frap yesterday and why I returned the prepaid mobile card you sent me. I want you to see that I'm not after your money. But the thing is, I'm not after a serious relationship either (not even an unserious relationship).
So what are we? Friends? Friends with benefits? Exclusively dating? Merely dating around?
I definitely don't want you to be my boyfriend. Not now, not in the near future. I hope I make myself clear on that...
