Message (mis)Sent

i am a very complicated person, and i admit that. in my complexity, there are times that even i cannot comprehend myself. more often than not, what you see of me isn't really what you get. i am mystery and art combined. a fusion of fact and fiction, of imagery and magnanimity. i could be lost in the middle of a crowd and yet very much found in my solitude. i am lonely though not alone. i am running endlessly, fighting a bout which i could never win. i am hungry and starving for something that took off in the middle of the night. i am waiting, though in vain, holding on to something that wants to break free.

i am so often misunderstood, and so are my writings. i do not want to be "maldita", i do not seek to be "maldita", and i do not find glory in being "maldita". i do not intend to lash out at anybody through my writings just because this is a free country (or rather, a partly free country according to Austin Ranney, author of Governing: an introduction to Political Science). i could not be boxed in some typology, and i just learned that i could not box others as well. i have messages to convey, stories to tell, emotions to unfold. but those messages could not be conveyed if you refuse to read and see totality. i did not mean to demean and defame anybody in my "maldita" entry. i was conveying a message about forgiveness and love and JC to myself and to others who could relate. it was something "I" was going through. something "I" needed to change in "me", not in anybody else. perhaps i should have highlighted the 4th paragraph of my "maldita" entry for all to see the "essence" (as an unknown person puts it) of the post. but i's too late for that now. the message has already been missent.

P.S.
my apologies to all who had been involved in this mess (esp. to jp, suzanne, josh and dra). whatever issues i have, let them be my burden, not yours. my apologies to all who had been affected, angered, misrepresented, misquoted, violated, unleashed and shocked.

my gratitude to those who kept mum and encouraged me to keep mum, who so tried to understand, who read between the lines, who questioned and sought answers which i refused to give, who encouraged with words, and who prayed incessantly.

lastly, more gratitude to those who rejoiced in my misery, who pointed fingers, who belittled my little self and who failed to understand for you inspired me to write this.