Homecoming?

i've been disillusioned for the longest time now. i once believed that i'm a strong woman, that i could handle anything, anything at all, that comes my way. i thought no one could ever break me down. but i was wrong. and too bad, i only realized it now.

been seriously thinking about going home. i'm so tired of being here (okay, that's a line in a song from evanescence). i thought trying out my fate and destiny and risking everything was no biggie, but it is. never had i imagined my going overseas to work and earn money, never had i thought i'd be leaving my own country, my own comfort zone, my family, my friends, my church, my christian community. yes, i wanted (and still do) to travel to other countries, but only either to pursue higher studies or to just plain travel, never to pursue a career. but here i am, working my butt off in this lousy working environment, tyring my best to adapt to their insane work ethics, being constantly burdened with the pressure of being a fresher in the company. i feel like i'm back in the raging seas of pangasinan. being held down under by the surf-quality waves, tossing and turning beneath the waters, struggling hard to surface, need to breathe... and i can't swim. i could see placid waters bubbling before my very eyes, my feet cannot touch sand. panic is setting on me. until ian pulled me up, himself much panicked. and we both laughed.

when will another "ian" pull me up from this muck i've pushed myself into? when will i be able to breathe freely and laugh about this? i'm only 19, but i don't feel like so. quarter-life crisis? i shouldn't be in such until two years or so. what am i supposed to do? should i give in to this thoughts that are maddening?

okay, maybe it's just a bad case of homesickness, too bad there's no available over-the-counter remedy at the nearest drugstore.

hundred years of solitude and there's no turning back. i'm in for a ride...